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A Six Step Process for Resolving
Conflicts
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A Six Step Process for
Resolving Conflicts
Over the twenty plus years I’ve been a
leadership consultant, I’ve noticed that businesses and families aren’t all that different. The most
successful business leaders and parents have the same skills, chief among them managing conflict. Too
many of us leave our leadership skills, so ably displayed in the workplace on a daily basis, at the front door when we arrive home. Sure, when
we’ve been working full-tilt all day, the last thing we want is to pull a double
shift. Not only are we exhausted, our emotions are triggered when we see our child engaged in a challenging situation. But the
results of using leadership techniques at home are too impressive to ignore. Read on to learn about a six step process for helping
your child resolve conflict. I use an example of peer-to-peer conflict between two middle-school girls, but the process can be modified to work
equally well with a child and parent and with colleagues in the workplace.
It wasn’t the first time Gwen and my daughter,
Anna, had had a conflict. Friends for half their lives, the 12 year-old girls often butted heads over small and big matters. Each conflict had
distinct details but the headline remained the same: Gwen, in Anna’s view, was too sensitive. Anna, in Gwen’s view,
was too pushy. And yet, they were close, loyal friends who somehow managed to get through their conflicts.
Unfortunately, the resentments lingered longer between arguments to the point where they sometimes wondered if their friendship would
survive.
So when Anna came home complaining of yet another
incident with Gwen, I decided to put on my leadership consultant hat on and get down to business. If my conflict management
tactics worked in organizations with adults (who sometimes acted like children), why wouldn’t they work with my daughter and her
friend? One afternoon, on a drive home from school, I asked if they were game to try an approach to conflict that I used in my
work with organizations. They shrugged their shoulders and, at the same time, uttered a barely audible,
“ok.” When we got home, the girls agreed that it was as good a time as any. I led the girls into the living
room and whipped out my flipchart and markers.
“Before we start,
let’s set some ground rules so you’ll both feel safe and comfortable,” I said. “I’ll start with
‘listening.’ We all agree to listen openly to each other. That means we won’t interrupt and we won’t jump ahead with
counter-arguments. We’ll listen openly when the other speaks.” They both nodded. I wrote down
Listen openly on a big pad of paper. “Do either of you have ground rules to add?”
“How about that we
won’t criticize anything the other person says,” Gwen suggested. Good. I wrote No criticizing.
“Any other ideas? I asked. They shook their heads. I told them they could add more ground
rules anytime during the process. We were ready to begin.
Step One: Finding Common
Ground
The first step is to figure out
what each person sees as an ideal outcome. This is important because during a conflict it’s easy to focus only on the
differing points of view, losing sight of areas of agreement.
Jamie: “Let’s start by
figuring out what you both see as an ideal outcome of this talk. In other words, what do you hope will happen?”
After a bit of silence, Gwen started.
Gwen: “I don’t
want our friendship to be hurt. I want to know that our friendship is strong even if we argue.”
Anna: “Me
either,” said Anna. “I mean, I don’t want our friendship to end.”
Jamie:
“Great. So you both have the same goal. If I were to put it in a positive way, your goal is this: You
both want your friendship to continue and be strong. Is this correct?” They both nodded, looking
straight at me.
I added what I knew to be true: “I know
you care about each other and value each other’s friendship.” They looked at each other, nodded, and smiled.
Step Two: Listening to Each
Other
Conflicts can’t resolve
until people listen to one another’s point of view. Most conflicts cause people to dig in their heels and close down to new
ways of seeing the situation. Energy is spent on justifying blame. Step two helps the people in conflict
better understand the other’s take on the situation.
Jamie: “Now you will each get
a chance to briefly explain how you see the situation. Who would like to go first?”
Gwen jumped in.
Gwen: “I didn’t
like it when Anna yelled at me about the rules of the basketball game we were playing at recess. And then I really
didn’t like it when Anna shoved me away from the ball.”
Jamie: “Thanks Gwen.
Anna?”
Anna: (After a half a minute
of silence) “Um, well, I get really frustrated when the rules keep changing because then we spend the whole recess talking about the rules
instead of playing the game. I’m sorry that I shoved Gwen. I said I was sorry then and I am really sorry about
that.”
Step Three: Expressing
Feelings
It’s important to
acknowledge that conflicts always involve feelings. When there is enough trust to openly express feelings, the resolution process can move more
quickly. Watch for the tendency to fall into blaming at this stage. You want each person to briefly share their
feelings but not over-explain or justify them.
Jamie: “What feelings
did this situation bring up for you?”
Anna: “I felt bad, kind
of ashamed, I guess, that I shoved Gwen. (Anna stopped, blinking back tears). And, I don’t know, I think I felt frustrated or angry about
changing the rules.”
Jamie: “Thanks Anna.
Gwen?”
Gwen: “I felt
disrespected when Anna yelled and shoved me. And sad. I guess angry too.”
Step Four: Sharing
Responsibility
This step, often overlooked, is,
in my mind, the most important in the process. Too often, conflict hits an impasse because the parties try to assign blame outside
themselves. The conflict escalates when listening stops and each person justifies their
“rightness.” The truth is, in a conflict between two people, each person fuels the conflict.
Perhaps one person bears 70% responsibility and the other 30%, but you’re heading down a dead-end street if you’re focus is
wrapped up in who is more right (and the flipside, who is more wrong). The critical piece that breaks the impasse is that the focus shifts from the
other’s behavior to one’s own behavior. The only way to get past gridlock is to get each person to
“own” a piece of responsibility, reflect on their behavior, and resolve to act differently the next time.
Most conflicts remain stuck because the focus is purely on what the other person did wrong. This leads to no learning and no change. During
this step, it’s time to look in the mirror. I asked a transformative question that shifted the conversation from finger
pointing to a more accountable position.
Jamie: “I’d like
you each to think about and answer this question: How did you contribute to the situation?”
After a minute or so, Anna spoke.
Anna: “I let my
frustration get to me. I should have just said, ‘whatever’ and let go of how I wanted to play the game.
It wasn’t worth getting, like, really mad. And I made things much worse when I tried too hard to get the ball from
Gwen by shoving her away.”
Gwen: “Um, I guess I
get really sensitive when Anna uses a tough voice with me. (A few tears.) I start thinking that she doesn’t like me anymore.
Then I get kind of weird. I get sad and a little mad and maybe that’s why I really wanted to make that
shot. I get worried that Anna doesn’t want to be friends.” Gwen wiped away a tear.
Step Five: Committing to
Action
The insight that comes from step
four is invaluable as a stepping stone to resolution. but stopping there can still lead right back into gridlock. Only when habits change will a
sustainable resolution occur. So I asked the girls, “What are you willing to do differently next time?”
There was a long silence.
Anna: “I will be more
flexible about the rules and if I get frustrated, I will go find another game to play. I don’t mean in a mad sort of way, it’s just
that there are a lot of other games that go on at recess and I can just find one that I want to play more. It’s nothing
personal to Gwen. And I will not shove or push Gwen again, ever.”
Gwen: “I’ll stop
myself from taking little things that happen on the playground as like, ‘oh no, Anna doesn’t like me anymore.’”
Step Six: Appreciating Each
Other
At this point, the hard work is
done and it’s time to affirm the relationship. To end on an encouraging note, I first shared my appreciation of their hard
work.
Jamie: “You have done what
most adults have great difficulty doing. You shared feelings honestly, and you looked at your own behavior with courage, and
committed to trying a new behavior. I’m so impressed with how you truly listened to each other. Not once did you talk over
each other, criticize each other or get defensive.”
“I know how
important you are to each other. I’d like to end by asking you to share with each other what you appreciate about the other
because I think it will serve as an important reminder when you hit conflicts in the future. Which, by the way, reminds me: You
will get into conflicts again, but I have confidence that you have learned something important today. Instead of falling
into blaming the other, you can look at what you contribute and make a choice to shift what you have control over: your own
behavior.”
“Who would like to
go first and share something you appreciate about your friendship?”
Gwen: “I guess I will.
I like that it’s always comfortable being with an old friend who knows me well. I can always count on having lunch with you and doing fun
things.”
Anna: “I like all the things
we have in common like violin and sports. I like doing fun things like soccer and basketball with you.”
Jamie: “Great work,
girls. It’s a beautiful day outside. Would you like to go out on the rope swing now?”
“Yes!” they said at once, but before
running out the door, they hugged each other.
David Hume, the Scottish
philosopher, said, “Truth springs from arguments amongst friends.” It certainly can, as was the case that afternoon,
but I wonder if the average child or adult, when caught up in a conflict, has the willingness or ability to listen, empathize, and look honestly at
oneself. Most of us jump quickly to blaming the other and justifying our own attitudes and actions. The questions asked during
this six-part process are designed to provoke listening, self-reflection, and empathy-- the elements required for healthy arguing and that typically
shut down during conflicts. When conflicts recur, the same questions can be asked again:
- 1. What is your ideal outcome?
- 2. How do you see the situation?
- 3. What feelings did this situation bring up for you?
- 4. How did you contribute to the situation?
- 5. What are you willing to do differently next time?
- 6. What do you appreciate about the other?
To
be published in Daughters Magazine this summer. For more articles on parenting, sign up to receive the Parent Leader newsletter at
http://www.theparentleader.com/.
Upcoming Events
-
Listen to Jamie talk with Koren Motekaitis on How She Really Does It,
KDRT FM 101.5 FM, www.howshereallydoesit.com.
Topics covered include how to balance work and family and what leadership
has to do with parenting.
-
If you teach high school or college, The Parent Leader has collaborated with MomsRising.org to
produce a study guide to accompany the inspiring documentary The Motherhood Manifesto. For information, go to www.momsrising.org
or www.bullfrogfilms.com.
Workshops
-
October 2, Coaching and Mentoring, Los Angeles
-
October 7, Helping Kids Resolve Conflict, Oakland
-
November 13, Giving Effective Feedback, Davis
For more information or to register, contact Jamiewoolf@aol.com. To schedule a workshop at your school or parenting group, you can call
510-530-9457.
Book Recommendation
Revolution in the Bleachers by Regan McMahon
This well written and thorougly researched book by Regan McMahon, book editor at the San
Francisco Chronicle, helps parents avoid the potentially harmful effects of the over-the-top youth sports culture. This book will
open your eyes to the dangers of youth sports on children, family, and community and provides practical solutions to bring balance back to kids'
lives.
