Birthing From Within
Newsletter
February 2008
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Now, read on for Pam's article about initiating fathers.
By Pam England
In Ancient Rome, to be a father, it was not enough to conceive the child (in fact biological
lineage did not matter). A man had
to publicly declare his will and intention to become the child's pater (the Latin word for father). The ceremony was profoundly simple: by
raising his son into the air, or by ordering his daughter to be fed, he assumed responsibility for the duration of the child's life. Failing to
do so meant that the child would likely grow up in slavery.
In 2 AD, Romans expanded the duties of the father to include feeding his children. Father
means "to feed," not only to nourish
the child's growing body, but to feed the mind of the child, and to model and help form the inner Divine Masculine qualities of psyche, in both boys
and girls. (The Divine Masculine modeled by and within mothers also plays an integral role in cultivating these qualities in boys and girls.)
We no longer have formal rituals of preparation for a man to awaken the Father-within, nor a
sacred ceremony for him to claim
his responsibility to the child (nothing short of signing the birth certificate!). Sadly, paternity has been reduced to a man's part in conception or
a DNA test; this definition of fatherhood diminishes the cultural and relational importance of parenthood. In general, most men feel that they, as
expectant-fathers, are peripheral, if not invisible, in childbirth classes. Classes typically focus on the mother's preparation for labor (not even
mothering) and on orienting couples to the rituals of the birth place.
During many conversations with new fathers, it is heartrending to hear them talk about how
expecting their own child awakened
their quest to know their own father as a father. This urge wells up from their experience as men becoming fathers, not as the child-son.
They instinctively sense that knowing something of their own father's experience and reflections as a father is a portal to knowing themselves as
a father. Fathering is indeed less about biological ties than it is an emotional and social relationship with a child, a relationship that
arises unconsciously from long-held images, assumptions and conditioning from his own father, step-father, grandfathers, and society. It does not
help fathers when we idealize the role of the father. Rather, let us have compassion and resolve to humanize the father, even our own fathers,
in our exploration. Let us acknowledge that expectant-fathers have their own unique tasks of emotional and spiritual preparation for their birth as a
father and for the birth of their child.
What is needed now, more than ever, are fathers to mentor and initiate
fathers. For the past decade,
Birthing From Within Mentors have taken a first small step to acknowledge the father by inviting him to a Special Class Just for Fathers.
But women/mothers cannot be the sole mentors or initiators of fathers. It is time to begin initiating Father Mentors, who will in turn initiate the
new, gestating fathers of our time. There is too much at stake to leave the quest to the uninitiated and hope that they will magically evolve into
this important role, especially under the pressures of work, school, and postpartum adjustment. Birthing From Within's new vision of father
initiation will be shared in a future newsletter.
Until it becomes commonplace for fathers to mentor fathers (and this will
happen again), we must continue to
do our small part to support the emerging father's birth as a father. What can you do?
Invite the father to talk about his relationship with his own father; if you are listening,
then listen deeply to what he
shares. Do not judge his father (who as the son of his father and society, with everything he knew and did not know at the time, did the best he
could at the time). The heart-opening healing begins when the new father and the listener investigate, and possibly challenge, the assumptions
he made during his childhood. He can reflect upon what he heard, saw and experienced related to: fathers, fathers caring
for babies and children, marriage with children, discipline, financial and emotional support of children, and other related categories. Then he can
explore what beliefs and judgments, even "rules", he has created in his own mind about what it means to be a "good father."
Without bringing these assumptions and patterns to consciousness, there is little chance of
making conscious choices to do it
differently, regardless of what is written in books. We, as listeners, hold our hearts and bellies open to hear what he discovers about himself. If
you are listening to a father's search for his roots and future as a father, your deep listening (not judging or persuading) will help him go further
on his quest.
Some things to keep in mind when teaching or mentoring a childbirth preparation
class:
First, always keep in mind that these classes are portals to parent preparation, too, not just
to labor and birth.
Second, since mothers and fathers do not and cannot experience labor, birth, postpartum and
parenting from the same
perspective, it is impossible to speak to a "couple" about the tasks of preparation or their personal work or roles as if they are "shared."
To speak to a woman/mother about her transitions in labor or postpartum does not speak to or
include the man/father. He can
listen in and learn about her preparation or experience; but he is not learning about his own. This is why we must separate the couple(s) during at
least part of the class series. It is actually easier and richer to initiate women into birth and mothering when we are speaking as women to
women about the sacred mysteries of birth and mothering. Men are initiated and prepared for fathering and being at birth in a completely different
way.
The news that a child has been conceived or the act of witnessing the birth of a child
does not initiate a man into fatherhood.
We cannot expect an uninitiated man to initiate himself as a father. If we want the new father to be present to his child, and present to the family,
we must acknowledge and nourish his gestation process as a father and his birth as a father.
Recommended Reading: In his excellent book, The Father: Historical,
Psychological and Cultural
Perspectives, Luigi Zoja explains, from a historical and Jungian perspective, the evolution of the role of fathers in western society and how it
brought us to the current identity-crisis for fathers. I highly recommend this book for new fathers, mothers, and mentors.
This article about fathers is not intended to
overlook or exclude the transformation within same-sex partnerships.
Lesbian partners also must be initiated into parenthood. This topic is
worthy of exploration and understanding, and may be addressed in a
future article.
Copyright 2008: Pam England and Birthing From Within.
May not be reproduced in any form without written permission.
